


When You Kiss Me

by PrettyPurpleInk



Series: You Are Not Broken [2]
Category: Death Note
Genre: Boys Kissing Boys, F/M, Kissing, M/F Sex, M/M, Questioning sexual identity, Sexual Content, boys kissing girls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-21 13:11:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11944935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyPurpleInk/pseuds/PrettyPurpleInk
Summary: When you kiss me, I wish we could see what happens next…





	1. Chapter 1

  


  


"…Matt…? Is something wrong?"

"Huh? No, why?"

"Because I'm winning six rounds to two."

I glance back at the screen, and sure enough it's proclaiming another C.O.G victory. "Oh. Maybe you're just getting better."

"No, that's definitely not it," he laughs. "You seem really distracted lately. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine, just thinkin'."

  


Nate nods in understanding, playing through ten waves of _Horde Mode_ and waiting for the _'Wave Cleared'_ message before he pauses the game. "Would you tell me what you're thinking about? I keep thinking the worst. I shouldn't, I know, especially since you seem to be…better, but…"

"Oh, no no, it's nothin' like that! I appreciate you being worried, but you don't need to be; it's not depression motivated. It's just…just, uhh… Stuff."

He nods again, looking at me like he's waiting. "Stuff."

Nervousness and embarrassment simmer in my stomach. "Yup."

"…Alright then." He un-pauses the game.

  


It isn't until Wave 27 — when all the back and forth and what-ifs and maybes going on in my head have gotten me chainsawed, and left Nate to take out a Boomer and a Grinder on his own — that I elaborate. "It's weird. I mean, not _weird_ , but weird for me to be thinking about." I hear the beeping of a frag grenade before it detonates, and isn't _that_ just some cliched bullshit? "I don't wanna tell you, 'cause I don't wanna make things awkward." 

He pauses the game again, setting the controller down this time — a clear _we're going to talk about this now_ gesture. "You don't have to tell me. I was just worried, but if there's nothing to worry about…"

"There isn't. Really," I assure him; but it has the opposite effect on me. Suddenly panic sets in and my hands feel shaky and the air feels heavy and I feel a little drifty. "I don't wanna make things weird by telling you, but I think if I don't tell you I'm gonna keep acting weird and make things weird anyway," I babble, all in one breath.

"Breathe," he reminds me, voice gentle. I do as he says, my inhale dramatically loud, and I feel myself settling back into my skin. "I can't imagine that whatever you have to tell me could be any more awkward than the conversation we had when you realised I'm gay." He beams at me as I laugh.

  


"Fuck," I mutter into the moment of quiet that follows. "Okay. Okay, I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you 'cause once I've said it, it's out there, and…an'…" _And what? And it doesn't bother you, and nothing changes? And it makes things irreparably awkward? And I tell you and things change, but they're good changes? But what are the good changes…? Stop thinking. Just tell him._

  


"I keep…thinking…a-about kissing you."

"Oh." His eyebrows jump up toward his hairline.

"Yeah. It's been there for- for a couple weeks. I just- I can't get the thought outta my head. I don't know how or- or why it got in there, but it's…it's in there…" He's looking at me — just…looking — no particular expression on his face, and it's a little unnerving. I can feel the flush of embarrassment creeping up my neck. "Sorry, I, I-I made things weird, didn't I? Just, um, just i–"

"I would let you."

_What?_ "What?"

"If it's just curiosity and you don't want to act on, then, that's fine. But if you wanted to kiss me, I would let you."

"I mean…is- wouldn't it- w-wouldn't it be kinda weird for you?"

"No," he chuckles. "No. You're the one who's never kissed a man, Matt; this isn't new to _me_ …" That isn't really what I meant, but I can't think of the right words, so I let it go. "…Do you realise you're staring at my mouth?"

My face flushes hotter as I look back up at his eyes. "Sorry."

  


Even with my gaze up higher, I can see his tongue slip out to wet his bottom lip. "…Do you want to kiss me, Matt?"

"Yes."

He shifts a bit closer, dark grey eyes dropping to my mouth as he asks, "Can I kiss you?"

For a second, all I can do is nod. "Yeah…please."

He smiles a little, kind, not mocking, and reaches a hand toward me, gently resting it on my jaw and neck. "Okay?"

"Yeah." It comes out barely above a whisper, but that's the best I can manage.

  


And then he strokes my cheek with his thumb, and he's leaning in. My pulse jumps — _can he feel it under his hand?_ — and then his mouth is on mine. He touches a chaste kiss to my lips, a quick little thing, testing the waters…and when his lips press again, I press back.

Nate's lips are smooth and warm, his kiss slow and careful. I feel warmth trickling into the pit of my stomach and I hum against his mouth, a hand finding his waist, drawing him closer; his lips press more eagerly, his hand sliding back to the nape of my neck and I'm chasing his mouth as he tries to part for breath.

My fingers press into his waist and suddenly I'm wishing I was touching bare skin. My tongue slips out to taste his lips and he breathes this heated little noise against my mouth and it goes straight to my crotch, then his tongue brushes mine and fuck, _fuck_ – then his mouth is gone.

  


I can still feel him in my space, feel his panting breaths mingling with mine. I want to chase him again, but I don't have to; he presses a chaste kiss to my lips, again and again…lingers…and with a last kiss as gentle as the first, moves away.

My eyes open as his hand comes away from my neck, and mine falls from his waist. Nate's smiling at me, a timid curve of his kiss-reddened lips, eyes bright, cheeks a little flushed, and that heat's still lingering in my gut and in my crotch and _fuck_.

"That…that was…" I try, almost embarrassingly breathless, but Nate's still breathing hard, too, so it's okay. "That was nice."

"It was."

"…I, uh, thanks for that."

"My pleasure."

"Yeah, mine, too. So now I have even more questions, but, um…" I shrug, the gesture far more calm-looking than I feel.

"Well, if you need any more help like that, feel free to ask."

"I- y-yeah, okay," I stammer, feeling heat in my face again. _Is he flirting with me?! Is he saying he wants to kiss me again? Does that mean I get to kiss him again? Why do I want to kiss him again? So many questions!_

  


I decide, that Friday night, to go looking answers.

  


"So what's your deal?"

"I, uh, I dunno. Guess that's what I'm here to find out."

"A questioner on a quest," he grins, leaning back as I take a drink of my beer. "Not usually my thing, but you're pretty cute. Guess I can make an exception… James, by the way." He says, offering his hand.

I reach to meet him half way. "Matt."

  


I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but he's got me pinned up against the wall in the hallway leading to the restrooms, with his hands on my hips and his tongue in my mouth, and I'm not hating it.

It's not a bad kiss, not at all, but there's nothing there. It's a good kiss in the way that a kiss is _good_ just because it's _not bad_. There's something low in my stomach, but it's not that pleasant heat; it's something heavy and uncomfortable.

Kissing this guy isn't terrible, it isn't gross or especially weird, but it isn't _right_ …

That little something heavy suddenly weighs a ton, sitting like a block of ice in my gut, and when he moves to pull away I don't chase him. His cheeks are flushed and his lips are wet and reddened — it's the same, but it's not. And it must be written all over my face, 'cause he's asking, "That bad, huh?" and only kinda sounds like he's joking.

  


Later that night, at a different place, with a different guy and a couple more beers in my system, I try again. That weight in my gut, I realise, is guilt, and it's there from the moment I let the guy press up against me and pull my arms around his waist.

It doesn't fade after he's pulled away and I've explained things to him and he's told me, "You're a tease. You're a loser and a tease and a waste of my fucking time."

And the feeling sure as hell doesn't ease up when I'm seeking the dry-from-lipstick mouth and the soft curves of a woman, just for the familiarity, for the reassurance that I know _something_ about myself, and convince her to go home with me.

But I do it anyway.

  


I bury my face between her thighs, my tongue on her until she's tugging at my hair and her thighs are trembling and I can't taste men's mouths anymore.

As I move inside her, feel her fingernails digging into my skin, hear her moans in my ears, everything else seems so far away and insignificant. For the first time all night I'm feeling something that isn't pure guilt, my mind isn't going a mile a minute trying to figure out what's going on with me — it's just pleasure; hot and good and familiar and safe, and I just let myself go with it.


	2. Chapter 2

  


When I wake up the next morning the sun is bright behind the curtains, my head aches, and there's a nearly-dressed woman standing in the middle of my bedroom, pulling a shirt over her head. She smiles at me when she sees that I'm awake. "Morning. I was gonna wake you, I swear. You don't seem like the kinda jerk to run out on somebody while they're asleep, so, hangover conscience wouldn't let me do it to you." 

"Thanks," I laugh. She's leaning down to pick up her boots as I sit up. "Uh, you can use the shower or whatever, if you want…" 

"I'm just gonna go, but thanks." 

"Sure. Um, I'll walk you out." She's got her laces tied before I've even located a pair of sweatpants to pull on. 

She smiles at me as I pull the door open for her. But I barely manage to smile back. Nate's stood in the hallway, and my heart drops into my stomach so fast that it makes me feel sick. There's something on his face; it's gone too quickly for me to be able to tell what it is, but I know it's not good. 

With my throat starting to tighten up, I barely notice the woman slipping out the door. All I can see is the tiny, forced-looking smile on Nate's face. "Afternoon." 

"Hi." My heart-rate is picking up speed and I force myself to take a breath. 

"Did you forget I was coming over?" He asks, tone a little teasing. 

It doesn't stop me feeling like shit. "No, but I kinda just woke up," I admit. His smile softens up at that, a little amused now. "Uh, c'mon in. I need a shower. I'll be ten, fifteen minutes tops." 

He follows me a few steps into the apartment, shuts the door behind himself. "I'm not sure that's your shade," he says suddenly. I turn to him, frowning, and he taps a finger against the side of his neck. "I'd say a darker red would look better on you," he teases, grinning. He's laughing at me — with me — and despite my embarrassment I feel a bit better. 

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind," I mutter, rubbing at my neck. I check my palm for a makeup smudge, and sure enough, there's a faint smear of red. 

"I would ask how your night was, but I think I can guess." 

A nervous laugh bubbles out of my mouth and my face is burning now. "Yeah, uh, it- it was, uh…" _Not what you think. It was me just trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. It was me realising that you're the only guy I want to kiss, and going back to what I know to try to make myself feel better._ "Anyway. I'm gonna jump in the shower." 

  


As I walk from the bathroom to my bedroom, I catch a glimpse of Nate reading from _The Hyrule Historia_ on the coffee table. When I walk back into the living room, hair still damp and shirt sticking to my not-quite-dry back, he's still reading. "I think I'm gonna learn the Hylian alphabet," he tells me as I drop down onto the couch. "So I can post insulting notes in my neighbors' mailboxes with complete anonymity." I laugh at that, and the fox-like smile on his face. 

"You're a genius." 

He looks up at me, smirk stretching. "I know." 

  


Naturally, talk of Hylian leads to playing Ocarina of Time. Nate's helping me through the water temple when he suddenly falls silent. 

"Nate? Dude you okay?" 

He nods, quiet for long moment before he asks, "Are you…? Um, the woman, from earlier, are you…?" 

The question is so out of the blue that it takes me a second to catch up and realise what he's trying to ask. "No. We just- it was just sex, just a…one night thing," I tell him, and is that…a look of _relief_ on his face? "Why?" 

"No reason." I know he's lying. He's a terrible liar — the volume of his voice drops a little and he can't look at me. 

A wave of guilt crashes over me and I don't know why, but I don't like it. At all. I have to fix this, or try at least. "Last night, I…" I begin, and Nate turns his head to look at me. "I went out and…kissed a couple guys. Literally two," I don't know why I feel the need to specify, but I do. "I really, _really_ liked kissing you yesterday and I wanted to find out what that means for me, so… Turns out I'm not bi, and you're the only guy I like kissing. Also found out that I now feel like shit when I kiss _anyone_ else. Don't know what that's about, but…" Nate's just staring at me, eyes a little wide, a faint blush in his cheeks, and all I can think is that I wished I'd been kissing him instead. I'd have forgone sex if I meant I could been kissing him, and that realisation is…unsettling. It's shocking and confusing and I don't know why my heart is doing acrobatics in my chest or why my brain is bringing that breathy little noise Nate made yesterday to the front of my mind, but it's happening. "There's a…a lot going on in my head right now, and I really wanna… Can I kiss you again?" 

Nate nods, looking almost dazed. "Yes." 

  


He tenses a little when I brush my thumb along his jaw, immediately relaxing as my hand comes to lay against his neck. With the slightest pressure, I guide him forward, leaning in to meet him. 

There's no hesitancy this time. There's heat and want and he's grabbing fistfuls of my shirt at my ribs, and flicking his tongue against my lips. 

His tongue dips into my mouth, brushing mine, and it draws a little groan out the back of my throat. He hums this pleased little noise at the sound, pressing back in and gripping my shirt tighter. My fingers slide back into his hair, holding him to me as I nip at his bottom lip; my free hand slips under the hem of his shirt, presses to the small of his back, _and he moans_. 

The sound goes straight to my dick, and I'm suddenly aware that I'm half hard in my jeans, and Nate's practically in my lap now and I want to feel his skin. I want to feel his skin on mine and I don't really know what to do with that thought. 

My chest is starting to ache with the need for air, but I don't want to breathe, I don't want to stop kissing him. 

Nate shifts closer, mouth parting from mine with the movement and I manage a few breaths before he presses our mouths together again. I'm so caught up in him — the feel of his lips and tongue, the taste of him, the heat of his skin, and the way he's let go of my shirt to dig his fingers into my ribs — that I almost don't notice that he's eased his knee between my thighs. 

Until said knee brushes my cock. The searing jolt of pleasure that charges up my spine nearly makes me bite both of our tongues; I just moan embarrassingly loud, instead. Nate makes this little noise, somehow sexy and shocked, and nearly jumps away from me, but my hand on his back keeps him close. 

"You're sorry!" He blurts breathlessly. "No, I-I'm sorry. You're…" I don't know if he really means to glance down, but it happens. I nod — it's the best I can manage while my head is spinning and I'm trying to keep my hips from rocking forward. "From…kissing me?" 

"Yeah…is that, um…is it…" I don't finish my question because I'm distracted by his laugh; it's the same laugh that a 'bad' pun earns me, bright and amused and disbelieving somehow. 

"You're…you're asking me if it's _okay_ that…that you're a-aroused by kissing me?" He asks incredulously, still laughing. 

I'm laughing with him, surprised by how much I like the sound of his laugh and the feel of the muscles in his back under my hand. "What? Was I supposed to assume it's not awkward because you're gay?" 

"No, it's not awkward because I…because I like you." 

"Wait, what?" A deep blush darkens his cheeks. "You- seriously?" He nods tentatively, averting his eyes for just a second; but he'd been looking right at me while he said it… _Holy shit_. "You do. That's weird. This is weird. You have a crush on me, and apparently I have a crush on you- wait. No. That's not weird. Guys like guys- I mean, you know that, you're gay. Fuck, okay, uh…" 

His thumbs rub gentle arcs against my ribs and a chill rolls up my back, bringing up goosebumps as it ripples down my arms. "What's making you anxious?" 

"I dunno, I… You like me and I like you and that's great, but I thought I was I was straight, but I'm not bi, so I don't know what am I now. And I like being with you, and- and…but I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to do this with a guy. I-I-I don't know what happens next." 

  


"I really can't imagine that dating a man would be much different from dating a woman… Well, the 'arm around the shoulder boob grab' would be considerably less squishy, I assume." 

"Less squishy, you assume," I echo, laughing. "Have you ever touched a boob?" Nate looks genuinely uncomfortable as he shakes his head. "How? Why?" 

"Have you ever touched a penis that isn't your own?" 

"Touché." 

  


We drift into a long moment of quiet, and it should be awkward how we're both just sitting there looking at each other, but it isn't. Nate's fingers are slowly curling and uncurling against my ribs, and it's nice…but if he were pressing any harder I'd be actively trying not to get turned on. The hand that I'd had on his neck has fallen to his thigh, still situated between mine, just resting there. As the hand on his back begins inching up, he asks hesitantly, "If I…if I asked you out, what would you say?" 

My heartbeat immediately picks up. "L-like a date? I- yeah- that- it- um…" I force myself to close my mouth and take a slow, deep breath through my nose. "A date sounds good. I would say yes to a date with you."

  


  



End file.
